Confession

I believe in a faith that's strong
I believe in a hope that carries on
I believe in these things and more
Most of all, most of all
I believe in love

~Third Day

I have to admit that I am going through something that is hard for me because it is beyond my control. I can honestly say it is in God's hands. It's a bitter pill to swallow; knowing that there isn't anything you can do...I received a text from my lovely cousin, Corrie, recently and she asked how things were. I said things were okay and that I'm just trying not to care to practice not caring for a longer amount of time. Her exactly reply was, "Sweetie, it's about trying not to care. It's about trusting God with that care." Of course I have heard others giving me advice saying the usual response of "Just trust God". As I am writing this right now, I am having a hard time trying to hold back tears of relief and joy. I have not been asked to stop caring; I have been asked to trust God with that care and feelings that I can't shake off. This probably sounds idiotic and you're probably reading this thinking "And she didn't realize this sooner because?". Let me fill in the blanks for you...I didn't realize this sooner because I felt as if people were asking me to stop what I'm feeling and stop caring...there's also that small thing that you know, I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to personal issues. Sure, I am seen as someone that is laid back when it comes to various situations...I'm that person who starts laughing when I'm lost in the middle of nowhere with a friend. I laugh in those situations because I know that I/we will find our way back to safety. So here I am...with everything that is in me I am trying to realize and reassure myself that I will find myself back to "safety". Things have not been going the way as I had hoped for the last few weeks, but despite it all God has given a sense of peace in the midst of it all. God has made me realize that this is all in HIS hands and no one else's. God has not taken away my feelings...the way I care about things deeply..He has just made me realize that He is handling it. I care a lot more than I show or vocally proclaim...more than I really do care to admit to others and to myself and that's what made it all the more difficult to hand things over to my Savior. But I give up in handling it myself and trying to find answer in others. God is the only one that I can truly proclaim my pain, hopes, fears, desires, and needs to.

With all that being said, I didn't title this blog entry "Confession" because of what I just shared. I titled it "Confession" because I'm about to share something that even my closest friends do not know. Something that I have kept all to myself all this time. I cannot remember when was the last time I was truly motivated to take the time to spend time in the Word of God. I don't mean random verses here and there...verses that have been taken out of context in order to motivate those who cannot find the time to dive into God's Word. I came home tonight with this deep desire to read the Bible in its entirety..front to back. I had the intention of reading the first and second chapters of Genesis to start with. As I came close to the end of the second chapter, I found myself alive and on a high from reading and decided to keep going. Before I knew it I had read seven chapters. Now I know this doesn't seem a lot, but it is for me considering that sometimes I don't even take the time to read the daily verse that is automatically sent to my phone on a daily basis. I absolutely loved every single minute of reading God's Word. It was OUR time together and it was out of my OWN accord. Why have I not done this sooner? I look forward to tomorrow so I can spend the day in His presence. Not only because it's Sunday, but I am truly excited to spend more time reading my Bible. If you are reading this, please keep me in your prayers because this is something that I have struggled with repeatedly. Pray that I do not give in to the distractions that this world has to offer because I WANT and NEED this and God more than words can ever explain. Tonight I found that the more I learn, the less I know about God's love and that alone motivates me to be closer to Him.

Until next time :)